Israeli Piracy

From Viva Palestine

Israeli forces have attacked the international aid convoy Freedom Flotilla en route to the besieged Gaza Strip, killing a reported 19 people and leaving more than 50 injured.

The attack came on Monday morning, 31st May, after one of the six ships in the convoy was hit by Israeli navy forces before being stormed by commandos descending from helicopters.

The interception took place in international waters, more than 150km (90 miles) off the coast of Gaza. 

The Milli-Vanilli-band : Band wagon

 Ed Milliband yesterday became the first Labour leadership candidate to secure enough MP's nominations to formally enter the contest. Although his brother David is still the hot ticket to win. I wonder how their mum is dealing with the situation. Will there be tears before bedtime ?

 There , of course , can be only one winner....hang on a minute. Perhaps another power sharing opportunity is on the cards. At least this time they can keep the Grammy's..

PS: I don't know why this post is all caps ! I can't seem to change it.

Tory Party Party

Smug Eton Bellend , George Osbourne, has had a very tricky weekend throwing not one but two lavish parties at his Grace and favour home of Dorneywood. At one, the multimillionaire paraded around the grounds entertaining other multimillionaires as a reward for their assistance in the  recent grabbing of power, you'd think simply having more millions added to their off-shore accounts due to new tax breaks would be enough. And at the other do, he celebrated his 39th birthday. Seriously, with him being the figurehead of thousands of public sector job cuts in the near future was there no way of tightening his own belt and combining the two parties into one ?

Or maybe after recent experience , he realised that combining two parties can only led to failure and disappointment... 

Our Blog as seen by the Wordle website >>

The http://www.wordle.net/ site takes blogs and converts them into , sort of, wordscapes.

Totally Biased Post Election Podcast Now Available

Picture nicked off News Biscuit

Check out the podcast from last weeks show (you might have to scroll down the page a bit to find us). A bit late but still packed with funniness and fury!

Totally Biased is in post election meltdown. This show was first broadcast live at the very moment that David Cameron was visiting old Pound Face at the palace to pick up the keys to Number Ten. Steve is joined by David Tuck to discuss the big lesson of Election 2010 – Never ever trust a Lib Dem ever everagain. There is also music from Richard Thompson and Martyn Joseph. Plus the usual fraught attempts to speak to our Minister for Social Insecurity, Ed Crasnick in LA.

Lordy, Lordy.. by David

It's just occurred to me that with Lord Andrew Lord Webber and Lord Sugar [ not as good as nomenclature as 'Sir Alan'] , judging talent contests. Two Lords presiding over their respective manors,  with common folk stepping forward , tugging forelock and hoping for the patronage of their betters. Has this country gone not to a Con-Dem pact, but actually as far back as feudal ?

The keys to success

Oddly even though there was much talk about the keys to number ten the door itself has no key holes or even
 handles. Like those 24 hour Tesco's.

Shame on Nick Clegg – a rant by Steve

Lessons number one learnt from learnt from Election 2010. Never ever trust a Lib Dem ever ever again. As I have always suspected they have proved themselves a bunch of backsliding, two faced, unprincipled weathercocks...No let's lose the weather bit. A bunch of backsliding, two faced unprincipled cocks. Who could ever trust them again?

They sold themselves in the TV debates and on the doorsteps as progressives and then handed David Cameron the keys to Number Ten. By the way, why is it always the 'keys to Number Ten' not the key? Is there a back door/patio windows too? Perhaps the front door has a Yale and a mortise lock for extra security? Even with a copper on the doorstep you can't be too careful these days. Actually, have you ever seen a PM lock the door when he/she/it leaves for work? Of course Dave Cameron couldn't do it even if he wanted to, he’s not used to using keys himself, he’s got staff for that. In fact, I’m not sure he carries money either.

Amazingly I had a row with a mate of mine earlier who said that doing a deal with the Tories was the ‘mature’ thing to do. The only thing 'mature' about the Lib Dems is Vince 'Methuselah' Cable .

People don’t seem to understand that 'cuts' are not an abstract concept they are the destruction of your hospitals, schools and jobs. If you’re lucky enough not to have experienced the brutality of the Tories last time, take a look at how the Welsh Valleys and the north of England are still suffering from what the Tories did 20 years ago. And now the Lib Dems want a go too.

Lib Dem voters have been duped.

Only one in four eligible votes went to Cameron, hardly a divine right to rule. But the power hungry sneaks of the Lib Dems still seem to think that they are a party to be supported. I’m not saying they should have done a deal with Labour, just stood up for something they claim to believe in for once in their sorry lives.

I shouldn’t be surprised. They have never had any backbone, but you don't expect any in parasitic bacteria do you? We must all remember at the next election, 'vote Lib Dem, Get Tories'.

Also, have you noticed how the oh so progressive Barak ‘look into my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes’ Clegg, has negotiated all sorts of things with the new mates in the Tories. But has he mentioned the cuts? Has he tried to negotiate an alternative to trying to make tax payers to pay for the city boys fuck ups and bonues? Has he demanded that the government protects those who pay for it and vote for it, rather than those who live in Belize and use Britain as their own high rolling Las Vegas casino, (all be it with worse weather and fewer ‘all you can eat’ buffets). Has the Cleggster done even a little bit of this? Of course he hasn’t. He too giddy with the whiff of power,  punching the air like an animatronic wax work of Tim Henman dressed as an extra from The Office.

So how to fight the Con-dems and their reactionary programme of cuts and attacks?

I for one will be supporting the BA strikes and thank them for showing us it is possible to defend our jobs, services and communities by standing up together with our mates, colleagues and communities and having our say.

I suspect Nick Clegg and his twat of shit nosed yes men* would rather help feather the nests of people like BA Boss and old fashion British Leyland style union busting thug Willie Walsh, than admit that Unite and the BA staff might have a point.  No understanding, negotiation and willingness compromise there.

In the debates Clegg critisised the Tories for doing deals with right wing homophobic nutters in Europe, which is true. However, Clegg now seems to be doing exactly the same thing right here in the UK.

I feel so sorry for all those who voted Lib Dem. You have been the victims of a nasty con...well Lib. I bet you won’t even be voting for them as a second preference in the next general election. I suspect you won’t be able to make a second preference even if you wanted.

*Twat is the collective noun for a group of Lib Dems. As in a gaggle of geese, a flock of sheep, A twat of Lib Dems

Its's all gone a bit Eno..

While awaiting the final result of an election that happened four days ago, I idly rambled through the interweb I stumbled upon a sound file of a german train announcer. Occasionally I dabble with music so I , dropped it into my sampler. Which was on the wrong setting so it broke it all into pieces of 1 second long. This meant I could use them rhythmical ,the following is mainly her voice in sections...more comedy soon I promise. As soon as Steve tells me what tomorrows show is about.

Election night

With a slight air of fear we joined Katherine and Paul , from the Jam Tomorrow broadcast,  for series of election night updates. The fear was nothing to do with our hosts but more from the fact that Gordon Brown looked like a goner after 'Bigot'gate and that ridiculous smile he's been using, seriously, who else looks worse when they smile ? I know it's hardly original to point this out. But does anyone remember Churchill's smile ? Or William Pitt the Younger's ?

Katherine and Paul where delightful , although unaware that if Steve is asked a political question , his insightful and witty answer may take longer than learning Chinese. One of the station's posse, Chris, who I was to find out later was in fact 'the other Chris', provided a marvellous buffet all of which was perched on the already full resonance sink unit. The upstairs office, which is reached by a rickety spiral staircase the sort that if Argos was to sell two types of spiral staircase this one would be marketed 'budget' , was a buzz with activity. Katherine had brought in some Marmalade flavoured sponge cakes, which had spent just a tad longer in the oven than required, which supplemented the downstairs more savoury fare. Laptops were inhaling the Wi fi  news feeds to such an extent , that we all had juddery video . So every now and then David Dimbleby would.................freeze and................then we'd ...........have to kill time reading the Twitter feed. Honestly, is that where culture has led us ? Some up existence in 140 characters ?
    On air we had the same problem as all other live pundits, there was nothing to pun or dit. Apart from Sunderland who put on a sort of nutty school sports day and have their result ready in about 20 minutes, the rest of the country drags it's heels for hours ! So Steve and I reworked some of the material that hadn't made it into previous broadcasts as well as some that did. All the while Katherine and Paul looked on politely  waiting for a pause so they could join in, it was their show after all, that pause came very rarely I assure you. Steve is a stand up comic , and I too have dabbled in that game. On stage the worst thing you can do is leave a pause , unless you are Stewart Lee, as any heckler will see this break as a chink in your armour and unleash a salvo of unwanted criticism and/or physical threats. 
    Sadly the worry of losing a Labour government seemed to burrow into my brain and the resulting headache meant I had to take an early shower and retire from the broadcast.  I say early , it was about 2.30am which has disrupted my sleep since. Look at the time stamp on this entry for example. So with a head feeling like someone was trying to blow up a balloon inside it, I headed out to find a night bus. The 'Resonance' staff limo was being used station manager Richard ,to 'cruise for 'ho's' , as he put it.
Sadly I had dressed for much earlier in the day, ie when it was warm, now it was freezing. As I stood at the desolate bus stop, realising I may be some time and that my bodyheat was dispersing rapidly, I decided to rely on a method of insulation only selected by the homeless. Grabbing the newspapers I had been using to form commentary all night , I shamefully inserted them inside my thin jacket to hold in warmth. Here is an artist's impression of the event.

So even now on Sunday morning there  is no sign of a proper Government, and even the one we'll get will be as flimsy as my election night jacket. And the headache it will cause will be much, much worst.

Topical lookalike:::>

After checking out Steve's Simon Cowell lookelikey, here's a politician's doppleganger..but which one ? Answer hidden in the first ever Blog entry....if you can be bothered.

On Air tonight !

As part of Resonance Fm's Electoral Night round up, we'll be cruising the airwaves from 10pm, if that's the right expression ? Its sounds a little Old Compton street to me. They'll be a variety of guests, and the occasional ansaphone. Should be fun.

The photo is actually of me voting earlier, notice the Lib-Dem's candidate is called Butt...he,he.. I don't know if you've tried to take a picture in a voting booth before there's not much room and people do tend to look. Which is not what you want during a secret ballot.

New Totally Biased Podcast Now Available

Election Special. As always I  proudly pull on my red blinkers to bring you  my apoplectic analysis of the final days of the campaign. David Tuck attempts to moderate and ‘Comedy Terrorist’ and Asylum Campaigner aka Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for Whitney, Aaron Barschak, joins us to discuss his chances of beating David Cameron on Thursday. Plus music from Kevin Coyne and Bobby Conn. Will this be the last chance to hear ‘Totally Biased’ in a free Britain? Hear it here

Why is everybody getting an election erection?

The tone for this election was set on the very first day of the campaign. Writing about the early hours of April 6th The Evening Standard  said,

“Mr Brown started at 7am by asking senior aides at No 10, ‘are you ready for it?’, before sitting down to egg on toast.”

Egg on toast. If egg on toast had indeed been a key tenet of Labour policy then at least they’d have galvanised the support of  more voters than they look likely to get on Thursday.

Eggs have played prominently throughout the carnival of bone calcifying drivel that has passed as Election 2010. David Cameron got egg all over his back back when he was used for target practise by a student in one of the most genuinely political statements of the whole sorry shebang. And Gordon got egg all over his face when he called that bigoted woman a ‘bigoted woman’ while still wired up to a van full of Murdoch ear wiggers.

But as flimsy as eggs and hot bread would have been as a policy, at least it would also have offered some kind of clear commitment of what they plan to do if elected. This is something that has been sadly lacking in this election. It is a horrendous situation when none of the three major parties will say what they plan to do after if you vote for them. Without that information democracy doesn’t work. It’s impossible to make a proper decision.

What we do know is the Tories want to cut more harshly and more quickly, but that is hardly news to anyone with a memory or access to the Internet. The Tories cut services recessions or not. They can’t help it. It’s something of a reflex reaction for them. Like sneezing for normal people.

Ever since the first TV debate an endless stream of people I love and respect, be they friends or characters in public life, have been rushing around enthusiastically saying “This is the most exciting election ever!”.

I suppose it is exciting in as much as the result will be close, but the politics are pretty close too. Which means that for me, it has been one of the most bland and unedifying elections ever – a bunch of clapped out reactionaries and greasy little social climbers slugging it out  in the hope of a career in parliamentary cretinism.

This election is only exciting if  you make the fatal mistake of buying into personality politics.

Think about those debates – part bad Kraftwerk tribute act part, part Moonies recruitment video, part a desperate contestant pitching their doomed idea for self-tying shoes laces on Dragons Den. They all trotted out versions of the same free market message, no genuine choice was put on the table.

Although history tells us the Tories would be a bit worse. The outcome will be more or less the same whoever wins. It is the realisation of both the Thatcher dream and the Blair betrayal.

Truth be told, I suspect that Labour would almost like to loose and leave the Tories and the currently unsullied Lib Dems to spend the next few years doing the dirty work, wielding the axe like a tree phobic lumberjack fighting his way out of a forest.

The thing that infuriates me is that the general public is hugely to the left of the three main parties on a myriad of different issues, yet this is simply ignored in order to serve the interests of business men often like Murdock, with no vote in this country. 

Dressing up the destruction of hard won public services and working rights as getting the country back up on its feet sickens me especially as – to the backdrop of bankers being paid billions in bonuses out of taxes – it is so clearly dishonest and unfair.

The other thing giving an election erection to those who have been seduced by Nick Clegg’s non committal showboating, who incidentally appear to be the same easily led groupies who fell for Blair in ’97, is the idea of PR. Now I’m all for proportional representation but, even if achieved it will only do so much to rectify this problem with our mockery of a Parliament. Anyway, that is some way off. The hatchet job will be getting underway long before then.

Labour, Tory and the Lib Dems - It’s all egg on toast, and poached, scrambled or fried whoever wins none will have a mandate for the cuts they want to bring in, as none of them have told us what they’ve got in store.

So while they all salivate over how they are going to carve up power and fight over whose going to flick the switch on their Frankenstien’s monster style  mish mash of backroom deals and quid pro quo comprises, it seems important to me we get ready to dig our heels in.

They are closing ranks, so it’s crucial the people under fire do the same by fighting back to defend their rights and living standards as aggressively as the next sorry bunch in charge try to destroy them.

Simon Cowell Say Cameron has the X Factor

Simon Cowell alike Tom Muirhead. See more fine likenesses here

A satanic plan hatched by Murdoch, former News of the World editor/ suspected phone tapper/Cameron spin doctor, Andy Coulson and self appointed arbiter of public taste, the toothbrush haired, smug bomb Simon Cowell (above) to patronise the public into voting for David Cameron. 

Surely no one takes Simon Cowell seriously. This is the man who was shocked that a fat ugly woman could have a nice singing voice, never mind the fact he only has a vocabulary of five basic sentences. They are:

"You made that song your own"

"You have the ____ Factor (Simply insert word of choice here)

Eg. You have the Like-ability/Boredom/X Factor.

"You been on a journey"

"You are in/out of your comfort zone"

"Blessed are the peacemakers" or is that Jesus?

In the article, so clearly written by a tory propaganda wonk, 'Simon' mentions how much he agrees with Sir Philip Green, multi million - if not billionaire - shop keeper, tax exile and Monaco resident. Both of whom are basically asking the public to vote Tory in order to give already hugely wealthy businesses more money under the ruse of "boosting investment".

I only wish that the Mirror had co-ordinated and had Louis Walsh saying Vote Labour, just to disagree with Simon. If we're going to have an X-Factor election let's have it properly.

How to vote Labour.

David is right, I felt an awful dirty feeling when I saw Labour's sanitised election poster defacing this blog. I am, of course, encouraging people to vote Labour to keep the Tories out, the Lib Dems are not offering that guarantee, so any argument that they are a progressive force has to be questioned. Plus I have it on good authority that Nick Clegg is in fact just a trick of the light.

Still, sadly in most constituencies in the country Labour is the least shit option. There is the odd place where a Labour vote doesn't hurt too much, for example, my own constituency of Islington North where the brilliant Jeremy Corbyn is the standing MP. Others are not so lucky. You can check up on the voting record of the local MP here

But there are exceptions TUSC are standing in a handful of places like Tottenham where Jenny Sutton is running a great campaigning against the Blairite incumbent, Higher Education Secretary David 'follows like a Lamb'  Lammy.

There is also Respect and in particular Salma Yaqoob in Birmingham. If she wins could be the one positive thing to come out of this election. A left wing campaigner and the first Muslim woman MP. 

Oh and let's not forget Dai Davies in Blaenau Gwent (he wouldn't be the first Muslim woman MP, but still worth a punt) and Caroline Lucas and Derek Wall for the Greens. Either would be the first Green MP and a welcome addition parliament

But that still leaves some 500 constituencies where there is no left candidate of any stripe standing. So, in these areas here's how to vote Labour: 

Think of the polling booth like the toilets at Glastonbury. Take a deep breath, pop a peg on your nose, run in a do the dirty deed. It's Brown, it's not nice, but it is necessary.

The arrival of Jackboot socialism !

Host Steve, was awoken sharply this morning, when the background of this blog was turned into a harmless display of 'Vote Labour' pictures. Having only every voted Labour and always puzzled why anyone would choose to do otherwise, I was somewhat baffled by an urgent telephone call asking me to take it down , toute sweet !  The hostmeister was deeply concerned that his life long association with the SWP -Socialist Workers Party- might be in jeopardy .

If you are unaware of the SWP they are the people who dress like geography teachers, carry lots of newpapers and shout about socialism near tube stations. They are not to be confused with gentlemen of the road who also have a similar description.

Steve, your allegiance is safe and here's 10p for a cup of tea... I mean SWP newspaper.

One day to go !

Gordon Brown toured four marginal's in East Anglia, and unveiled the party's "seaside manifesto".
I presume it's to stop inflation and unemployment getting to HI DE HI ! 
I thought of that on the way home, I wish I'd thought of it on air instead of the slanderous story about Fat Boy Slim but them's the breaks.

This picture is from 1922, and the message is still the same : VOTE LABOUR !

Ross Kemp wades in and things get well tasty.

TV hardman ,Ross Kemp, last night came to the rescue of Gordon Brown, urging people to take 60 seconds to vote this Thursday to save their jobs and frontline services.

“You probably have loads of important things to do on Thursday. A full day’s work, picking up the kids, paying the bills. I know that it’s tough right now and voting isn’t always top of the list.
But it only takes around 60 seconds to vote in the polling station
Sixty seconds to protect the economy.
Sixty seconds to protect your jobs....
Sixty seconds to find out where you live, come round and connect my voting fist with your non-voting face, YOU TOILET ! "


Thanks to Kemp Folds for the Picture

For Sale : Cameron Cameroons !

They may look sweet but on the inside is the bitter taste of life under a tory government...and they're really high in fat ! A moment on the lips, five years in power !